Today the new Star Trek movie opens up. Insurrection. I’m not totally sure this is going to be a good one. I think it just might blow. This is the third next gen movie, and if you go by the curse of the odd movie this one is going to suck.

It sucked. It sucked big time. Well enough of my witty banter. In doing some research on Terence Malick and the Battle of Guadalcanal I found this very witty review on moviefinder.com. This guy who wrote this review must have channeled every thought I was thinking watching that stinkburger of a movie. So with out further ado I present the review:

National Geographic’s Guadalcanal

By filming this WWII combat movie like a nature documentary, director Terence Malick has managed to create the most beautifully photographed (and ponderously philosophical) war film ever made. Starting off with a South Seas island village so peaceful and picturesque the natives do everything but sing “Bali Hai” we then go to the battle of Guadalcanal where the GIs are photographed so beautifully (the dirt is smeared evenly over their handsome faces) it looks like Calvin Klein led the invasion. And the philosophy! Spouting questions and metaphors in voiceover narration about evil in nature and the meaning of life, these soldiers must have had English lit as part of their basic training. Among the younger cast, only Sean Penn is talented enough to create a realistic character: the pain in his face as he delivers his philosophical dialogue manages to show that his soldier has EARNED his jaded point-of-view. The rest, most of whom get less screen time than the animal close-ups, are hard to even tell apart. As the only one who realizes he’s in a war movie, Nick Nolte walks away with the picture in the one terrific performance. Cameos by John Travolta and George Clooney are ineffective and distracting, the combat scenes hard to follow, and the thin red plot over-extended at such a tedious pace that I began to expect Brad Pitt showing up any moment as Death. For the same good/evil nature debate in a war movie based on a James Jones novel, rent “From Here To Eternity,” which manages to tell an emotional story about realistic characters in under two hours without close-ups of birds, trees and bamboo chimes.

By the way, there was a version done back in 1964. The first version of James Jones book was directed by a guy named Andrew Morton, who also did The Longest Day. Its not on video. I also disagreed on the this guys opinion of Nolte’s performance. Nolte sucked. Don’t waste your money on this piece of shit.

I was really pissed after seeing the Blair Witch Project. I had first heard about at Blue’s News which covers games like Quake 2 and such. And those guys over at Blue’s are usually right on the money about anything. If you like First Person Games you have to check them out. Any way, they had mentioned how they saw Blair Witch in New York when it was being previewed and they said it was really good. And I read either at Blue’s or elsewhere on the net how it was kind of like a Hitchcock movie. Meaning that it didn’t show any gore like most movies these days. It scared you through the suspense as the story played out about these three college kids who were doing a documentary on this supposed Blair Witch. The kids go missing and their footage shows up a year later. It was sounding really good from what I read.

And then there was the special the Sci-Fi channel ran which was a pseudo documentary about these kids going missing and it showed some background on the legend of the Blair Witch. The Sci-Fi special was ten times better than the movie. The movie did not explain what the Blair Witch was. It didn’t show any of the fake material the Sci-Fi show did. The Sci-Fi show had stuff on a guy from the forties that killed a bunch of kids and said the Witch made him do it. It showed some clips from a 70’s hippy occult guy who explained the back story on the Witch. Which the movie does not cover. I was really bummed. American Filmmaking has gone down the shitter.

Which (excuse the pun) brings me to Bruce Willis’s movie The Sixth Sense. Excellent movie, no doubt about it. It did to you what Blair Witch was supposed to do. It scared you with out excessive violence and gore. Besides that, the ending will have you surprised. It blew me away. It was the kind of thing that just shocked the shit out of me. I did not see it coming.

So there you have it. The witch sucked stick with the sense.

Last time I asked if anyone had seen the new movie Jurssic Park 3. Before I say what I thought of the movie let me pass this along from Sherry the webmistress of Life Of A Crackwhore:

i was just reading your site and saw that u wanted an opinion on Jurassic Park 3. i went and saw it this weekend and i thought it was awesome. alot of action and a few new dinasours to add to the mix. it is definately worth seeing if u liked the past 2 movies.

Here is what I think. The movie sucked! Before anyone takes this as I’m trying to throw mud in her eye let me explain. I really liked the first movie. Read the book and everything. I read the second book when it came out. The book is great. The second movie sucked. The reason? Well I guess it didn’t follow the second book as closely as the first movie did the first book.

I just feel the third movie was a cheap attempt to cash in on the whole dinosaur craze started by the first movie. A kid goes parasailing over Jurassic Park? Jeez they could have come up with a better plot device than that. To me the movie just made no sense. What do the rest of you think? Am I way off?

First let me say that I read some where that the reviewer didn’t understand the ending. I guess maybe I have watched to many sci-fi flicks, because I didn’t see what could be so baffling. I won’t ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen the flick. Of the movie of the summer Planet Of The Apes was mediocre at best. And lets face it mediocre is as best as we can hope.

Of the big movies of the summer I’ve seen Scary Movie 2, Jurassic Park 3, and now the Apes movie. The next big movie is Jay And Silent Bob Strikes Back. Yeah I have a weak spot for the Kevin Smith flicks. It’s a return to his dick and fart jokes venue. But that’s ok.

It sucked. I’m sorry but this one can’t be argued. If you disagree, your wrong. It’s not a matter of opinion, it sucks and that is a fact.

It was all wrong. And that is something I can’t understand for the life of me. How can this movie suck when they have such excellent source material?

All these pinheads had to do was follow the stories from the classic comics. And I’m not talking about the the original stuff that Stan Lee wrote. Sure some of that was good. No when I say source material I refer to the great Frank Miller run on the comic in the early/late 80’s. Man that was good stuff.

One point that really irks me. Is how they changed the accident that made DareDevil what he is. What we have in the movie is the kid getting his powers and blindness in a stupid accident pretty much caused by himself. What does this add? In the original DareDevil gets his powers in an accident sure. But he gets in that accident saving an old guy. That’s heroic. That say’s a lot about the character. The movie version just cheapens the character of DareDevil. It’s to bad.

Another point and then I’m done ranting. Did you notice that DareDevil killed more than a few people? Either directly or indirectly, he killed people? That’s another thing I don’t remember about the character.

Well they all can’t be as good as the Batman or Spider-Man movie. Here’s hoping that the Hulk and the second X-Men movie are better than this piece of shit.

This title may tell some people enough. But for shits and giggles I’m going to explain it like you all don’t know what I’m talking about.

The first thing we need to is figure out just what the term fanboy means. No legitimate dictionary has the word in it’s pages. So you have to look else where for a definition of this term. The only place I could find on the net that has a definition is a place called Wikipedia, a self described “free encyclopedia”. Here is what they say:

Fanboy is a derogatory term used to describe someone who is utterly devoted to a hobby or a subject, to the point where it becomes an obsession. “Fanboys” are often experts on minor details regarding their hobbies, and they take these details extremely seriously. The stereotypical image often associated with Star Trek fans (or Trekkies) can be used to describe a fanboy: a person with little or no social life outside the circle of fans he or she associates with.

Hits it on the head in my opinion. Of course it’s not something I admit to people who are not into comic books. On the other hand the other Marvel fanboys irritate me. I can’t stand them. My favorite comic book store Tomorrow Is Yesterday is full of them.

But since I’m coming out of the closet, I admit I am a Marvel fanboy. I have been for a long time. To some who actually read what I write this may not come to any surprise. The next question is why am I a Marvel fanboy? The simplest answer is that when I started reading comics Marvel had the best stuff. I’m talking late 70’s early 80’s. Marvel’s characters had a touch of the common man. They had problems that you and me would face. And in my opinion the stories Marvel told were just the best comics at that time.

So it pisses me off big time whenever a Marvel character gets the big screen treatment. It pisses me off because the Marvel fanboy in me always comes out. I can’t help it. I nitpick the movies. I bitch and complain when they fuck up a totally perfect story and make a shit movie. Daredevil jumps to mind.

It boggles my mind. Lets use the Hulk movie for example of how they take a simple concept and ruin it by trying to modernize it. Betty Ross (the girlfriend of Bruce Banners) in the movie is a scientist. In the comics she’s just a housewife kind of women. What does turning her into a scientist accomplish? Other than appeasing the beast that is politically correctness?

The way the Hulk comes about is another thing I have a problem with. In the comics it’s very simple. Banner worked for Betty’s dad General Ross. Banner invented the gamma bomb. A commie spy sabotage’s the test run of the bomb. Banner races out to save Rick Jones who had wandered out into the test site. Simple yet effective. Sure you can’t have any references to a commie spy. But you could have still used the sabotage plot.

There were other issues I had with the film, but that’s something for another post. But you see now what I mean when I say I’m a Marvel fanboy.