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Thursday April 17th 2003
Panic, Terror, And Confusion 12:30 am-
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So last night at work I get a phone call. It was one of those strange kind of phone calls. The chick at the other end of the phone is at a bar. At least that’s what I assume because of all the loud noise in the background. The chick asks if a guest is staying here. She gives me the name. I look in the computer and find the guy this she is looking for.

Up to this point it was a normal call for me. Some drunk chick is calling looking for some dude because apparently her friend wants to fuck this dude. Business as usual for me. But I get thrown for a loop when this chick says my name.

The short conversation that followed is only kind of lingering like the way a dream does when you first wake up. Not that I’ve dreamed about this subject, I haven’t. When I realized who it was I was talking to the feelings I had were hard to describe. First off I just about dropped the phone.

So let me see what did I feel? Terror, confusion, more terror, and lots of panic. Why did I feel all of these things? The answer is hard to explain. There is lots of reasons why it’s hard to explain. Most of them have been talked about before. And I don’t really feel like bringing it all up again. I kind of figured this was something that wouldn’t come up again.

But it did. The chick is someone I used to know. It’s been almost three years since I’ve talked to her. This post here explains it a little. The conversation we had was awkward. By the end of the conversation she asked if I wanted to see her or something along those lines.

My answer was yeah sure. But that wasn’t good enough for her. She wanted to be sure about it. So I told here yes I wanted to see her. I think I went on to much about how I wanted to see her. I wonder if I sounded to eager.

After I got off the phone panic set in again. I watched the clock as the time ticked away. I thought about what we would talk about. I thought about what I would say to her. I had been chatting with a buddy on aim and had this conversation:

Turk: jeez I just got off the phone with my old buddy that one girl
Aim Buddy: oh god…eek…. how did that come about
Turk: she was calling for a girlfriend of hers looking for some guy staying here
Turk: I just about dropped the phone when I realized who it was I was talking to
Aim Buddy: i bet
Turk: She’s going to come down to see me
Aim Buddy: oh god…. how u dealing with that
Turk: I don’t know yet
Turk: I could quit and run and hide
Aim Buddy: lol
Turk: or I can just be cool about it
Turk: I’m not sure what I’m going to do
Turk: I mean what do I say to her?
Aim Buddy: i hope everything goes well…. i have no idea… it seems very awkward
Turk: yeah it will be fine. Or worst case I end up insulting her on accident
Aim Buddy: lol
Turk: I’ll try to behave. It’s my own fault all that happened
Turk: It’s been almost three years since I saw or spoke to her
Aim Buddy: eh i wouldnt go that far….. yeah
Turk: nah it was my fault
Turk: I liked her in a way that wasn’t friendly from the start
Turk: I knew what could/did happen
Aim Buddy: yeah
Turk: man I shouldn’t be as nervous as I am
Aim Buddy: yeah but i underatnd it
Turk: it’s just odd
Turk: you women are evil
Turk: I’d go gay if I could get turned by a big hairy ass
Aim Buddy: lol!
Turk: man I’m going to end being sarcastic and I’m going to piss her off
Turk: why do I even care?
Turk: fuck
Aim Buddy: lol
Turk: at least it’s something to write about
Turk: and I know how she is, she’s been drinking
Turk: maybe I can hide
Aim Buddy: lol
Turk: duck down really quick when she comes in and pretend theres no one here
Aim Buddy: lol
Aim Buddy: i think thatd be worse
Turk: I got to have another smoke. be right back
Aim Buddy: k
Turk: back
Aim Buddy: k
Turk: god I’ve been checking myself in the mirror
Aim Buddy: oh good lord… she has u bent all out of shape
Turk: yeah
Turk: I’ll be fine

I worried for nothing as it seems. She never did come in to see me. My panic, terror, and confusion is now replaced with anger.

Anger because I can’t help but feel like I had just been dicked around. Under the circumstances I just wonder what her motivation was. I wonder if this wanting to come and see me is at all related to the fact she was drinking. Maybe her intentions were honest. Maybe she just didn’t have the time. I just don’t know. I never have been able to guess what she was thinking.

And yes part of me wants to see her. But part of me doesn’t know what I want. She gave me her cell number and I ponder if I should call her. She can’t call me even if she wanted to, because I got rid of my home phone. Granted she can call me at work. But I’m off the next four days. So the next way to get a hold of me is through this website. Or she could send me an email, it’s at the bottom of every page.

In the end I’m left with to many questions. Questions I don’t want to ask or answer because I’m scared. All I can do is sit and wait. After three years, whats a day or two?

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