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Thursday June 28th 2001
My Way 9:09 am-
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So here it is, a day that means nothing to no one. Except maybe me. This is exactly one year since I saw or spoke with what was once a good friend. A friend who is mentioned many times on this webpage. Certainly not as of late. Well at least not under a real name. How do you stop being friends like that? In a blink of an eye. That may not be fair. Still our friendship dissolved in just about 24 hours. Fair or not.

Have you heard the saying “friends come and go”? I don’t like losing friends. Shit I don’t like to hear when my friends lose their friends. For example: two guys I know are not really on speaking terms anymore. Now these two had been friends for years. Since high school or longer. But they don’t talk anymore. This is something I don’t like. I won’t go into the details. Because I don’t really know the all the details. Seeing this happen to these two old friends makes me worry if I will lose any of my old friends.

But it worries me when this happens. I wonder if I could lose my friends. Any of you. I depend on my friends. It’s like the whole Kirk-Spock-Bones triangle. They acted as one. They were dependent on each other. A lot of times my friends act as an extension of my own being. Most of the time as my conscience. And to add humor here in this serious topic remember that I’m the Kirk in the Kirk-Spock-Bones triangle of my friends.

But then the friendship I’m talking about is different. It involves a woman. A woman some of you know. Now to me that kind of friendship is always under a whole different set of rules. You know the whole “Harry Met Sally” thing. Men and women can’t be friends. I’m starting to really believe this. So a year has passed since I saw her (she has been referred to as “that one girl”). She was a friend of mine. I had known her four or five years. The last couple of years we became good friends(?). I mean we hung out a lot more. I got to meet her parents and her brothers and even an Aunt. I got to know things about her that most people didn’t know. Or maybe it was just stuff that friends shared with each other.

So as I said this day is exactly one year since I saw her as a friend. In a years time I have only ran into her once. But nothing like when we were friends. Here is where I tell why are friendship ended. And this is just what I think. What she thinks I don’t know (other than the her GuestBook entry explaining how I made her uncomfortable). I fell for her. I was smitten. I started to have romantic notions. I’m trying to avoid the use of the only four letter word I don’t like using. Everyone on the same page? I don’t really know what she thinks. Of course other than the fact I made her uncomfortable. Which doesn’t really answer some of my questions.

Of course there is the age difference. About seven years difference. I don’t really know if that is a factor of not. Maybe I won’t ever know. I’ve done a good enough job of making sure she won’t talk to me. Of course if this Secretive was her. I guess that’s another one of those things I will never find out. I really didn’t even want to tell her how I felt. Come to think of it I never actually told her. It was a second hand kind of thing. And I probably never would have told her.

I liked what we had. I had what a few referred to as my pseudo-girlfriend. And we went on pseudo-dates. I got teased a little bit (ok a lot). But the problem was I started to enjoy the whole pseudo angle. I had all of the benefits of a girlfriend with out the thought of commitment or the idea of keeping a relationship going. Which was good for me because these are the things I may be afraid of. We did a lot of things that couples do. We went to dinner, we went to movies. Once after attending a birthday party with her I was asked repeatedly if I was going out with her. I would say nope just friends. For a while I liked the way it was. I could get a woman’s perspective on things.

My friends enjoyed it also. I have been rather bad with woman. I hadn’t had a steady girlfriend since senior year of high school. So my friends got to tease me about my pseudo-girlfriend. And they did. Mercilessly at times. You ask either Izer or Stanley about Izer’s daughter’s first birthday party. But hell I even enjoyed that. I was told I was “pussy whipped without the pussy”. Stanley also is fond of the time he saw us at the video store. The video store I got to explain how I lost my movie picking privileges because I made her watch Blazing Saddles. Or how they laughed when I explained I couldn’t listen to Billy Joel in my car, because she wanted me to expand my horizons.

So this is a year. I have come to the point when I can’t look back. I have to cleanse this from memory. That’s what I do. So I destroy some journals and dispose of some pictures. I got a book I need to get rid of. A Stephen King novel called Desperation.

Fitting Title.

I wouldn’t even think of burning it. I’m not a nazi. I will probably offer it on Ebay. Shit I would give it back, but that would entail seeing her and I can’t do that.

Wipe all traces clean. And that will be that. It’s best to just forget the whole thing. It may be a little cold, but this wasn’t my choice. It could be said I am partly to blame for the outcome. I never had much success at keeping women friends. Part of me hoped she would contact me. I hoped this because I was to scared to contact her. But that hasn’t happened. I never knew what I would say if I ran into her. All I could say is I’m sorry. I could apologize forever. This brings me back to that weakness of mine. I would rather wipe all evidence of her than admit that I had a weakness. Like saying I miss the chick. See I just can’t do that.

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