Time to kick the dust off of this. Been a long time since I wrote anything. I’m not sure where to start.

So let me start with the bad part of all this. For the last few months I’ve been feeling pretty down. It’s got to the point in the beginning of this month that I was actually thinking about killing myself. I’ve been feeling like I’m nothing but a failure at everything. Got no family of my own. Got a job I don’t honestly like. So I was starting to look at the only way out was by doing myself in. I planned on doing it by Carbon monoxide poisoning via my car. I went as far as trying it out for a few minutes before I chickened out. All this led me to a website called Lost All Hope. This site changed the way I was looking at my problems.

It was at this point I called and made a doctor’s appointment. I knew more or less that suicide wasn’t really an answer to what I thought was my problems. It was the Help Me pages that really made me come around. This bit in particular:

Think for a minute. Have you always felt like you do right now? The chances are, there were times in your life where you did not. Which means something in your life changed to get you where you are now. But that also means that something can change to get you away from where you are now. Seriously – life is changing all the time – yours included. Surely there were other times you felt really low and something happened to make you feel brighter?

It goes on about actually talking to someone. Which I did. I told my Dad everything I was feeling. He agreed this was serious enough that I should go see a doctor. I didn’t even think that was an option. I thought this was something only shrinks would deal with. I was wrong. The doctor talked with me and prescribed me Citalopram. So for the first time in my life I’m on an anti-depressant. It seems to be working. I’ve come out of my funk and I feel more positive. I know know I need to handle my problems.

Theres three areas that I consider as my problems that was getting my down. First is the fact I do feel like I’m a complete failure. The second thing is I really hate my job. And thirdly (and this surprised me) I feel alone.

The first is the thought I’m a complete failure. Which does have a lot to do with the two other items. I’m not where I thought I would be when I was back in high school. I had wanted to be a comic book artist. I had a girlfriend who encouraged me about going to school for it. I had even got in to a school called the Joe Kubert School of Cartoon and Graphic Art, which I didn’t go to because I was afraid of leaving home. I lost touch with the girl because I couldn’t handle that she was having feelings for me that I couldn’t handle as an eighteen year old. It’s these two things that I see as the big mistakes in my life. I spent a lot of time wondering if only I had done it all differently. Granted I know if I had did it all different there is no guarantee that I would be happier. It just something I’ve wasted more time than needed worrying about.

The job I hate is the second thing. It’s not something I’ve talked about at all here on my website. For good reason. This is the website that has gotten me fired three times. Needless to say I’ve been working in a call center and I don’t like it. There are these things called CSATS that worry me to no end and it was part of what was driving me to wanting to end it all. This isn’t something I want to get into here on my blog. Needless to say I’m looking for another job.

The third thing is that I’m alone. I didn’t think that kind of thing bothered me. But it does, more than I thought. It was the realization that I miss how me and my niece and nephew used to hang out. These kids are now going to be 15 and 14 respectively and they don’t need the services of their old uncle any more. This really bugged me once I realized this was something that was a factor in all of this. Now granted I can’t and would want to make these kids hang out with a 41 year old like myself. They have their own friends now to do stuff with. To fight this idea of loneliness theres a couple things I’m going to do. First I’ve got my actual brother who has a lovely kid. My “real” niece is getting to be the age now where you can do stuff with her. She already loves to play on my iPod Touch when ever I come over. So I got one more young person I can corrupt that can keep me from thinking I’m all alone. The second thing I’m considering doing is signing up at one of those dating sites. Not for love or anything. But maybe just to find a like minded chick to goto the movies with.

So all of this comes from my own internet research, the doctor, and thirdly I’ve started to see a Counselor. The Counselor wants me to focus on short term goals. Things I can get done in a day. It felt good talking to someone about all of this. I should have done this sooner. The Counselor did suggest one thing that I had been thinking about for a while. He wants me to do something creative. I told him about my wanting to be an artist and about this blog. This post is that first step back to some kind of creative drive for myself. I miss having that part of my life where I did create things.

And hopefully I will continue to improve my outlook on life.

So after a long five years I decided it’s was time again for a new computer. Once again I went with Tech Report using their 2013 Sweet Spot as guide. I took from the Sweet Spot Alt list for the case and vid card. Here are the parts and Newegg prices:

• Corsair Carbide Series 400R $99.99
• ASUS P8Z77-V $134.99
• MSI N660TI PE 2GD5 GeForce GTX 660 Ti $279.99
• CORSAIR CX600M 600W $79.99
• Intel Core i5-3570K Ivy Bridge 3.4GHz (3.8GHz Turbo) $219.99
• CORSAIR 8GB (2 x 4GB) $60.99
• Kingston HyperX 3K SH103S3/120G $119.99
• Seagate Barracuda ST2000DM001 2TB $99.99
• ASUS DRW 24X DVD Burner $19.99
• ASUS Xonar DSX $59.99
• Grand Total Spent: $1,175.90

It’s super nice to have an up to date system again. I’m able to run games my old pc had problems with at the highest settings. It’s little things like this that keep me happy.

So I did get more unemployment. One day there was $0.00 left and the next day it was $4,620.00. Which is good as I was getting pretty worried as I watched the initial amount dwindle down to nothing. I applied at a brick and mortar video store. In my neck of the woods I guess there are poor souls who don’t have Netflix. No one has called me yet for any of the jobs I applied for. Which is a bit depressing.

Testing 1 2 3. Fuck I know it’s been a long time. A quick update is in order I suppose.

On January 18th of this year I was fired for the third time (which you may have guessed from the banners up top) from the hotel business. The reason was a flimsy bit of bullshit about me breaking hotel policy when I posted Work Bitch Post #2. Below is the unedited papers I was given on my exit:

Basically I was let go because I was full-time employee. On the 21st of January the hotel fired my boss. Almost all of the people who had been employed by the Holiday Inn Express of Janesville were either let go or had their hours cut. I was sad to see these american owners acting just like the douche bag foreigners who ruined the old worst hotel ever.

But in a lot of way I got to thank those cheap assholes (owners/managers) at the Holiday Inn Express of Janesville for showing me the hatch. The unemployment I had to fight for has been a nice extended paid vacation. It’s also made me realize my couple decades of working in this business have been a complete waste of time.

I’m currently a month behind on paying (I will catch up this month) my stellar web host and so I decided (with some help from a fellow blogger) to at least start using my site again. I’ll try to update more than once every sixth months.

I was watching Californication on  Netflix and had this exchange with Gawain which shows just how different we are musically:

[02:13] Turk: is cradle of filth real? the annoying voiced daughter mentioned them just now?
[02:13] Turk: I thought it crowd made that up
[02:13] Gawain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[02:14] Gawain: yes, cradle of filth is a very very famous goth band. Everyone but you knows who they are. You kill me sometimes.

Honestly I thought it was a joke name made up by the IT Crowd writers. I looked at the wiki page and I just don’t care that I don’t know about a “very very” famous goth band.

So I got myself a new iPod Touch with my X-Mas money. It’s so awesome just having sound. The 4th gen is really something. You can go over here to see the Apple site describing the device. Below you can find some screens of Aralon and Rage HD.

Aralon is Oblivion and Morrowind mushed down into an iPod Touch game.

Rage is a little game from id Software. You may have heard of id before. Rage is an on the rails shooter. Despite that it’s still fun.

I will add more as I remember. Here are some shots of Infinity Blade, a game one should have at the least to be able to show off what a iPod Touch Generation 4 can do.

I gave the new girl her exit interview. Not official in any way of course. The main thing that stood out for me is the reason the young lady is quitting. It’s funny really. She said she has a degree in HR and that her experience here at this hotel has made her change what she thought was her career path.

See the poor thing was trained in a matter of days. I remember a time when people were trained for weeks or in some cases months. This hotel is taking the worst hotel ever approach as of late and gives all trainees balls to the wall training in just a few days. The girl who this was her last day said she felt like half the time she didn’t know what she was doing. It’s a shame.

She also confirmed my suspicion that they (they always equals management) don’t inform new people about this retarded you have to stay until your relief has counted their cash thing rule. A while ago this was put in place because someone stole money from the change drawer. To combat this evil theft they decided to treat their employees like children and enforced this fucking stupid you stay until the next shift counts their money rule. This will not stop stupid people from stealing from the workplace.

Even better when you realize they have cameras they are to lazy to move to watch all of us nasty employees.

I mean if they really wanted to make sure the money wasn’t being stolen from their own employees turn that camera a bit and the issue is resolved. But I suspect they are honestly to lazy to turn the camera or too cheap to buy a new camera.

After having to deal with the idiot for so long at the worst hotel ever I just may be a little crazy about wanting to leave at my scheduled time. This craziness was explained to my boss before he hired me at my interview with him. So now I have to call the wisconsin department of labor and find out if they can fire me for leaving at the time they scheduled me to leave. This is almost a worst hotel ever level of retardeness.