I was in one of the those moods so I decided to find some funny stuff that suited my sense of humor. If you know me then you can maybe understand why I would find these two jokes funny.

Joke One

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered and went up on stage. The magician told him to pick up the 16 pound sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block and break the block apart with the sledgehammer so the audience would know the sledgehammer was real.

So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might and shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer.

Horrified, the man said, “No way. It’ll probably kill you”.

The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, “I’ll be fine. I promise you. Go ahead.”

“Well,”, the man replied, “Ok, here goes.”

Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magician’s face. The result was very bloody. The magician’s nose was crushed, teeth fell out and blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, “Ta-da!”

Joke Two

The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along the retiring general’s body, between two points he chose.

The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.” The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop ‘em and he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General’s penis and began to work back. “My God!” He said, “Where are your testicles?” The General replied, “Back in Vietnam.”