Time to kick the dust off of this. Been a long time since I wrote anything. I’m not sure where to start.
So let me start with the bad part of all this. For the last few months I’ve been feeling pretty down. It’s got to the point in the beginning of this month that I was actually thinking about killing myself. I’ve been feeling like I’m nothing but a failure at everything. Got no family of my own. Got a job I don’t honestly like. So I was starting to look at the only way out was by doing myself in. I planned on doing it by Carbon monoxide poisoning via my car. I went as far as trying it out for a few minutes before I chickened out. All this led me to a website called Lost All Hope. This site changed the way I was looking at my problems.
It was at this point I called and made a doctor’s appointment. I knew more or less that suicide wasn’t really an answer to what I thought was my problems. It was the Help Me pages that really made me come around. This bit in particular:
Think for a minute. Have you always felt like you do right now? The chances are, there were times in your life where you did not. Which means something in your life changed to get you where you are now. But that also means that something can change to get you away from where you are now. Seriously – life is changing all the time – yours included. Surely there were other times you felt really low and something happened to make you feel brighter?
It goes on about actually talking to someone. Which I did. I told my Dad everything I was feeling. He agreed this was serious enough that I should go see a doctor. I didn’t even think that was an option. I thought this was something only shrinks would deal with. I was wrong. The doctor talked with me and prescribed me Citalopram. So for the first time in my life I’m on an anti-depressant. It seems to be working. I’ve come out of my funk and I feel more positive. I know know I need to handle my problems.
Theres three areas that I consider as my problems that was getting my down. First is the fact I do feel like I’m a complete failure. The second thing is I really hate my job. And thirdly (and this surprised me) I feel alone.
The first is the thought I’m a complete failure. Which does have a lot to do with the two other items. I’m not where I thought I would be when I was back in high school. I had wanted to be a comic book artist. I had a girlfriend who encouraged me about going to school for it. I had even got in to a school called the Joe Kubert School of Cartoon and Graphic Art, which I didn’t go to because I was afraid of leaving home. I lost touch with the girl because I couldn’t handle that she was having feelings for me that I couldn’t handle as an eighteen year old. It’s these two things that I see as the big mistakes in my life. I spent a lot of time wondering if only I had done it all differently. Granted I know if I had did it all different there is no guarantee that I would be happier. It just something I’ve wasted more time than needed worrying about.
The job I hate is the second thing. It’s not something I’ve talked about at all here on my website. For good reason. This is the website that has gotten me fired three times. Needless to say I’ve been working in a call center and I don’t like it. There are these things called CSATS that worry me to no end and it was part of what was driving me to wanting to end it all. This isn’t something I want to get into here on my blog. Needless to say I’m looking for another job.
The third thing is that I’m alone. I didn’t think that kind of thing bothered me. But it does, more than I thought. It was the realization that I miss how me and my niece and nephew used to hang out. These kids are now going to be 15 and 14 respectively and they don’t need the services of their old uncle any more. This really bugged me once I realized this was something that was a factor in all of this. Now granted I can’t and would want to make these kids hang out with a 41 year old like myself. They have their own friends now to do stuff with. To fight this idea of loneliness theres a couple things I’m going to do. First I’ve got my actual brother who has a lovely kid. My “real” niece is getting to be the age now where you can do stuff with her. She already loves to play on my iPod Touch when ever I come over. So I got one more young person I can corrupt that can keep me from thinking I’m all alone. The second thing I’m considering doing is signing up at one of those dating sites. Not for love or anything. But maybe just to find a like minded chick to goto the movies with.
So all of this comes from my own internet research, the doctor, and thirdly I’ve started to see a Counselor. The Counselor wants me to focus on short term goals. Things I can get done in a day. It felt good talking to someone about all of this. I should have done this sooner. The Counselor did suggest one thing that I had been thinking about for a while. He wants me to do something creative. I told him about my wanting to be an artist and about this blog. This post is that first step back to some kind of creative drive for myself. I miss having that part of my life where I did create things.
And hopefully I will continue to improve my outlook on life.